'In Case You Don't Live Forever' an asexual book series
In this place for my creative writing, the background and beginnings of what I hope will be some asexual stories to share.
I started writing a novel in late 2020, partly for a course I signed up for, mostly to see if I could. What followed was the biggest of revelations about writing- a falling in love with it again in ways I hadn’t felt for years trying to write theatre- but that’s not what this is about. Or is it?
I didn’t set out to write an asexual novel, it just happened. Because that’s who the characters were. But slowly, I began to lean into it. In the same way, in subsequent drafts, I’ve allowed their neurodivergence to be a more prominent thread; it just felt right to let them be who they were.
But also I realised I wanted to do what so many of us do when writing; create the thing I wish I’d had.
Books and stories have been the central part of my asexual awakening. As mentioned, it was writing fanfiction that first started the conversation. The thing that cemented it was a book called Upside Down by NR Walker. The author writes a plethora of LGBTQIA+ romance but is also Ace. That book was like feeling seen for the first time as cliche as it is. A little later, I found other Ace books like Alice Osman’s Loveless (which I’ll be honest, doesn’t resonate as strongly with me as an older Ace I’m glad it exists for those it does, but in a way, proof too that I needed, and needed to write my own stories). I’ve talked often too of The Charm Offensive by Alison Cochrun (check out her new book Kiss Her Once for Me out next week, too for more Ace rep). For me, that was a revelation because it’s not a book about being Ace it’s about an Ace person falling in love and a whole bunch of other stuff. That’s what I wanted for my characters.
So here’s a first extract…where they first shift their relationship to…something.
Friday 12th July 2013
Ben slid a note across to him in the library. They did it fairly often while one was teaching or in a meeting. Sometimes just saying ‘Coffee?’ With increasing desperation. Sometimes just to make each other laugh. For two years, this had been their corner of the library and their own weird little world.
Are you going to the Grad student's beer nonsense tonight? We should go. Be sociable. N.
It’s at the Union bar. In the Shatner building. (So classy)I thought the point of being a grad student was to not be sociable) B
Go for an hour? Straight from here? There’s a new pizza place near my apartment. I know it’s not on your way home but if we leave early…N
One beer with the pretentious grads. Then pizza. (I’m only going to talk to you anyway, why don’t we skip the beer and go straight to the pizza). B
Pizza it is. N x
After pizza they’d sat in the 24-hour Second Cup for two more hours talking. About nothing, everything. Ben had asked about his dad, and Nick had admitted he was worried about the surgery he was having. Not cancer related, they’d said, just a minor heart thing. Still, he worried; it was his default setting now. At least he could go home and be there this time. Two weeks was the longest time he’d been home since moving here. And he found himself thinking about two weeks without seeing Ben too. He pushed that aside and enjoyed the evening. Ben offered to walk him home. His apartment wasn’t really on Ben’s way. Yes, he could get the bus from the end of the road, but the Metro would have been quicker, and that was in the other direction.
‘I need some snacks anyway, I can stop at the Couche-Tard it’s on the way.’
Nick had nodded and trailed Ben buying a selection of candy and a bag of chips that he threw into his backpack. He kept a packet of wine gums out and listened once again as Nick declared they didn’t taste like ‘real ones’. He silently handed him the green ones as they walked.
‘This was nice.’ Nick said as they reached his apartment. He suddenly realised he was going to miss Ben. Which was ridiculous as he’d only be gone for a couple of weeks.
‘It was. You know last intelligent conversation before I have a house full of hockey idiots again.’
‘Hey don’t knock the hockey.’ Nick grinned.
Ben rolled his eyes. ‘I’ll have to introduce you lot sometime.’
‘I’d like that.’
It came out too fast, and Nick felt like he had betrayed himself.
‘Really?’ Ben looked serious.
Nick shrugged. ‘I’ve heard a lot about them so…’
‘Mom keeps saying she wants to meet you.’ Ben shrugged. ‘Apparently I talk about you a lot.’
‘Oh yeah?’ Nick smiled. He wasn’t sure why but being talked about in Ben’s house sent a wave of something over him he couldn’t quite place.
‘Yeah, I uh guess I….’ Ben looked down. ‘Sorry if that’s weird.’
‘It’s nice.’ He shrugged. ‘Dad is always asking about you. About work, but uh you too.’
Ben bit his lip and smiled. There was a long pause.
‘Guess I’d better…’ Ben gestured.
‘Right. Yeah.’
Nick leaned in. Usually, they hugged, he didn’t know why he did it but today, he grasped Ben’s arm and leaned in to kiss his cheek. Then the other. A slow, deliberate ‘Quebec goodbye’ but not quite. A usual French goodbye was a swift kiss to the cheek or usually the air next to it. He lingered on each, feeling himself tightening his grip on Ben’s forearm, steadying himself. He went to pull back properly but Ben steadied him. He saw him hesitate for a fraction of a second before leaning down, brushing his lips with his own, and Nick leaned up the fraction of an inch it took into him. And they were kissing.
It was such a cliche to think it wasn’t like any kiss he’d had before, but it wasn’t. Not least because it took seconds to get used to the soft stubble on Ben’s upper lip or the feeling of it under the hand he automatically reached up to his cheek- Ben doing the same to him, his big hand almost covering half his face but in a way that felt safe, secure. It lasted only a few seconds, firm, yet soft and exhilarating, it all but knocked him off his feet.
‘I uh don’t know where that came from I…haven’t ever…um…you know with …a ’ it came out nervous and garbled but Ben’s hands were on his shoulders. But he fidgeted, wringing his hands until Ben gently stilled them.
‘I know.’ He said softly, he jerked his head towards the steps of the apartment and led Nick to sit on them, gently taking his hand.
Nick stared out into the dark. His street was quiet at this time of night and they sat for a bit, knees touching on the step. Ben’s thumb rubbed back and forth on his hand, stilling him a little while his knee jiggled slightly. He took his hand back and fidgeted with his fingers trying to focus.
‘I’ve never kissed a guy before.’ He managed to get out this time; an embarrassed look down at his hands in his lap. ‘I’ve never kissed a lot of anyone. But I guess I’ve been thinking about you, feeling uh things and wondering if you might too. But I thought no, it’s stupid, I’m stupid and- I’m sorry.’
‘I was wondering too.’ Ben said softly, slowing him, nudging him gently. ‘I kissed you back remember.’ He was smiling, and Nick’s rambling was adorable.
‘You were?’ Nick looked nervous now, though.
‘I was. I just…don’t have the best luck so I didn’t want to let myself…hope. Or even…ruin things.’ Ben hesitated, then slowly reached over, easing Nick’s hands apart and taking one into his. He interlaced their fingers and ran his thumb over the back again. He felt him relax a fraction. ‘But I kissed you back.’ He added.
Nick looked over at him. It was real and happening. And it was…so far, at least, ok. He nodded at Ben.
‘Do you want to come in for a bit?’ He asked shyly. ‘Not for…I mean, maybe we should…talk or something?’
Ben smiled and nodded.
Because my story isn’t about being Ace. But it is about how being Ace affects your word. A friend (and one of a few people to read the whole thing) said ‘I love how they’re ace-y’ and that’s what it felt like, asexuality there but not the only story. I’m sure that friend won’t mind me saying too they felt like they learned about Ace-experience through the characters and isn’t that the dream? To allow people to understand without lecturing.
But more than that, living in their world, figuring out how they think, react, relate to each other has allowed me to figure out a lot about me. Am I a Ben? A Nick? A Dylan? An Andrea? A Mark? Because that’s right, once you write one Ace character, apparently they multiply…or maybe it’s an Ace conspiracy to take over the world…but really, exploring a multitude of Asexual identies helped me understand where I fit in, who I am. That’s what reading and writing stories should be. And I love the chaotic messy world I created. Here in an extract from part 2, we meet some of that Ace community and have a conversation about that…
Ben kissed Nick's shoulder and fussed with his sweater.
'Maybe your mom and dad were like us too.'
That got Mark's attention. He locked eyes with Ben over Tim's head and tilted his own.
'Like you too or like you two?' He asked and looked down.
Ben nodded, realising Mark had put two and two together from reading Upside Down which he'd returned declaring he'd cried. Ben hadn't pushed him for more. He considered a moment.
'Uh, well, you know how Nick discovered his sexuality late? Well, I had always figured I knew exactly who I was I just made a mess of things until him- which is you know factually accurate- but also maybe actually Nick and I are similar. I mean you might have noticed we're not exactly normal guys, normal gays even, we're weird nerds who met in the library for fuck's sake. Well you know like Nick says he was never good with touching but he'd never had anyone, people might say we just have trauma or whatever and we do but that's not all of it and we just started to come to some realisations and then he got sick and….'
Nick squeezed his arm. Ben took a breath.
'You've not experienced Benjamin on a roll have you?' He smiled softly at his husband.
'Oh, I have.' Mark smiled.
'Firstly Benjamin, who is normal anyway?' Tim asked. 'I personally just need a place to have sex, not a reason. That includes a library.'
'Oh, we totally did it in the library.' Nick said, and Tim clicked his fingers in salute.
'On the other hand.' He continued, 'My dear husband is more, shall we say discerning in his choices. He might not have cool labels like you kids but I reckon he fits into your category.' He smiled at Mark. 'Hell he didn't even kiss me for three dates.'
'Ah see Nick is a whore and kissed me on our first date.'
'You didn't even know it was a date!'
'Neither did you!'
They laughed, and Ben put an arm over Nick protectively. This was tricky, but Tim made it easier.
'What my dear husband is saying.' Mark interjected, 'Is he is not fussy about gender, time, place…anything. And we respect that.' He kissed him. 'Whereas I need…feelings first. Tried it the other way, but never took. Slightly disastrous consequences.'
'Me too.' Ben offered.
'So you don't think it's weird, or we're weird?'
'Those are two very different questions, Nicky.' Tim teased but shook his head. 'Call it whatever you like, as long as you've got people who love you.' He hesitated, 'and you do.'
Nick welled up a bit and felt Tim squeeze his hand, which he still had hold of a fraction. He smiled and wondered if that was weird for a second.
'My dad's letters, about David.' Nick mused and felt Ben squeeze him as he looked up at David's painting. 'He was lucky it happened to him later, the early guys I know it was worse. But still. They weren't married, they had no rights. Sorry.'
He wiped his eyes. It had been getting to him lately. Thoughts of what his dad and David went through. He thought about them a lot, fighting just to see each other. The ones who weren't as lucky as David.
'The 90s were...tough.' Mark said, 'some friends I made I never saw again. I looked after a few. One boyfriend too.' Tim took his hand. 'You shouldn't say goodbye to many people in your twenties.'
'Uncle David died when I was ten.' Nick offered ‘1998. He was younger than Dad, 34. Younger than us now.'
'My friend Danny was the first person I knew who died.' Tim said, 'We were both 21.'
'My boyfriend Anthony was the last one I knew. He died when we were 29. I didn't date anyone until Tim after him.' He paused. 'Actually he died a year to the day I met Tim. I like to say it was a sign.'
'A sign you were stupid to go see that show that day.' Tim teased, kissing his cheek. 'Anthony loved it too.'
'He smugly bragged he saw the Off-Broadway version.' Mark smiled and wiped his cheeks with his free hand. 'He saw himself in it. I saw him, and me I guess. Like nowhere else. That's why I was so….'
Nick felt Ben shift beside him, thrown sideways a bit into Tim as Ben leaped up and stumbled to Mark's end of the sofa and, in true Ben style, half threw himself at Mark. Whether Mark had a clue or not about what was happening, he held onto Ben as he half stumbled to the floor with the force of his own hug. The penny dropped for Nick as he saw the relieved expression on his husband's face.
'You?' He said to Mark. Who nodded.
'You?' Mark said. Ben nodded, wrinkling his nose.
'Hey, I think that's the start of a love duet from the show.' Tim joked. 'Really?'
He looked at Ben, who nodded again.
'Since I was 25.' He wiped his face. 'I've never met anyone else who was…uh positive. I mean that I really know.'
'Well, you do now.' Mark said; he reached over and steadied Ben, who was balancing on the arm of the sofa. Nick shifted over so Tim could, too, giving Ben some room.
'I'm a mess.' Ben blurted out. 'I have PTSD. That's why my brain is a sad penguin. I've been hospitalised for it. And right now I'm really fucking depressed, and a ball of anxiety. And I'm an asexual gay man with HIV, I mean how the fuck do you end up with both?'
'Hey I have bum-cancer, and I'm a gay asexual. I'm not living the dream over here.'
'HIV. Depression. Anxiety.' Mark offered.
'Breast cancer. And I don't even have nice boobs.' Tim offered, then looked at his husband, who nodded. 'Undergoing some tests because it might have dared to metastasise or some shit.'
He shrugged and looked genuinely sad for the first time since Nick had met him. Nick shuffled back closer, wrapping his arms around Tim burrowing his head into his shoulder, feeling Tim lean back on him, covering his hands with his own, while Ben leaned on Mark. He leaned over and kissed the top of Tim's scarf like it was the most natural gesture in the world.
'Sad Penguin friends.' Nick murmured into Tim's head.
This novel is incredibly personal in so many ways; the story started out that way, sure, but making the leads asexual made it more so; their individual and collective experience of neurodiversity, too, helped me figure out my own messy brain. They are my ‘Sad Messy Gays,’ and they helped me figure out a lot of stuff. I truly believe, too there’s a lot in there that other people would take a lot from. You won’t have to be asexual to understand the guys who never fit in and found each other. Or to feel how a friend first, boyfriend later was what someone needed. Or to know how love can help pull you through grief. Or how finding a family is sometimes as important as the one you were given. And that sometimes, you have to let your favourite person talk about hockey. And that tea is the answer to everything.
This book, this world, has- and is- a huge comfort to me. Maybe it’s my own weird sad messy brain, but I enjoy living in it. I must do having written two full novels and another 50k of additional stories that need a home…I find the same comfort in writing this story as I have fanfiction over the years; it’s a place to escape to, characters who are comforting, who have much to say, and so I keep letting them say it. Rather than try and contain what was too big a world for one regular book it’s grown, its two books (maybe three) and a secret-ish fourth where I explore some aseuxal origins of the original duo and their families. Heck, I even wrote a bonus chapter of them going back to Montreal after my own recent trip there. Here’s a mini moment from that (self-indulgent) story:
He leaned into Ben, who let him, but then pulled him slightly by the hand towards the steps. Nick got it and nodded. He sat, and bumped his knees against Ben’s. Then shivered against the slight chill. Ben put an arm over him.
‘Everything changed in this apartment.’ Nick said. ‘Or in one case on the steps.’ He felt Ben chuckle against him.
‘If stairs could talk.’ Ben said ‘Actually if your neighbours could that night.’
‘What our very PG-rated asexual awkward first kiss? Yes that was one to note.’ Nick teased.
‘It was though.’ Ben said serious, ‘It was perfect.’
Nick locked eyes with him and nodded. Hesitated and leaned in and kissed him lightly at first but then a bit deeper. He smiled into it, then pulled back looking at the floor.
‘What?’ Ben nudged him.
‘You sat here with me after we kissed. I like that I always think of this place that way.’ He pushed himself up and looked at the building again. ‘I don’t know…everything happened here didn’t it? I started over in a new city, a total mess- I mean when am I not.’
‘You’re my sad messy fool.’ Ben teased. ‘But I think this is the place you went through it all, and came out the other side.’ He squeezed his shoulders ‘It’s where something important ended, and something else began.’
It’s a universe to escape into, with characters who feel like friends. Who I want others to be friends with too. Who part of me hopes other people want to be friends with too. As an asexual, queer reader, but also as a neurodiverse, oddball, messy human who doesn’t see much of my life reflected in stories…I kinda hope other people need these stories too. And if not, they’ve given me so much by writing them.
What next for it? As much as I’ve explored traditional publishing, this kind of queer niche will probably need to be self-published. As snobby as some folks are about that, I see it as a way to get the story to the people who need it, who will appreciate it. Who maybe will get lost in it like me. Who maybe needed it like me.
So I guess the question is, does the world want some Sad, Messy Gays or is it just me?