As it’s Valentine’s day, and I’m having something of a week, I figured why not share Ben and Nick and their first date?
An extract from ‘In Case You Don’t Live Forever’ is a love story featuring asexual main characters, dealing with first love alongside grief. I’m working on plans to share the whole thing later this year…but for now, why not a little story of love, art, and curry for love day?
Friday 26th July 2013
Hey Nicky,
I’m slipping this in your book, for whenever you pick it up next. Just thought it would be fun to hear from your old dad. I hope you have a good second year. Remember how proud we are of you- we never expected you to do your doctorate, we told ourselves we wouldn’t be like other academics that way. But we’re bloody proud (as your mother would say).
But also Nicky? You seen happy. I know the work is hard but I feel like you’ve found your place. It wasn’t easy for you moving out here when we did. I know it’s taken you a while to feel at home. I’m glad you do. Remember the academic side isn’t everything. Uncle David started painting when he did his PhD, and it’s what became his passion. You love baking and writing too maybe you’ll be a baker-novelist (well your name IS Baker…sorry that was a real Dad Joke).
Anyway we love you. I’m glad you have a friend like Ben too, maybe we can meet him when we come for the conference next month? I’d like to meet someone so important to you.
Love you son.
Dad x
Nick smiled to himself, that note must have been in his book for weeks. He was about to get his phone out and text his dad when Ben appeared.
‘And what are we grinning at?’ He asked ‘Letter from a mystery man?’
‘My dad.’ Nick laughed.
Ben stopped short.
‘Oh well I made that weird didn’t I?’
Nick smiled, and shook his head.
‘C’mon. Part one of operation official date is on.’
Ben did a little excited bounce and Nick laughed. Their deal had been half a date planned each, to get them out of the library and out of Nick’s apartment which was all they’d really done, aside from eating pizza, for two weeks. They’d both agreed to taking things slow too, so pizza and kissing was actually all they’d done.
Ben was going first so he dutifully followed him. It turned out not far, in fact literally across the street.
‘We’re here.’ Ben said with a flourish.
‘Tim Horton’s?’ Nick teased with a nod to the cafe, one they frequented almost every day too.
‘Later. I may need donuts if you’re not feeding me.’ Ben winked then gestured at the other building. ‘The Museum. You haven’t been. You said months ago.’
Nick bit back a grin that he remembered. He glanced up and sagged a bit.
‘Oh but it’s closed.’
‘Not to us.’ Ben winked.
‘Oh wow. You’ve gone full romcom haven’t you.’
‘I try.’ Ben smiled.
He followed Ben up the steps- which he was bounding up with relentless enthusiasm- and caught his shirt, pulling him into a brief hug.
‘Hey, this is very cool.’
‘You might hate it.’ Ben wrinkled his nose.
‘Not possible.’ Nick grinned. ‘It’s a museum. I’m a nerd.’
‘Ben!’ a woman with long blonde hair came through the door and hugged him. Making Nick start, and guiltily pull back from Ben out of habit. They weren’t a secret, but it still didn’t pay to always be so public.
‘Ellie this is Nick. Thanks for doing this.’ He put an arm over Nick’s shoulders to reassure him. Nick was glad of Ben’s taking the lead on when it was ‘safe’ to be themselves.
She beamed holding the door open, ‘Sure, I’m stuck here late anyway waiting for the collection on the old exhibition. Take your time.’
Ben nodded and led Nick to the elevator, inside he glanced over and Nick shyly glanced up.
‘If I forget to tell you later…I had a really good time tonight.’
Ben burst into laughter. Pretty Woman was his favourite film, he’d forced Nick to watch it, and he’d thankfully loved it, just last week. He grinned and offered a hand as they got to the top floor. Nick stopped in awe of the huge Totem-pole which reached the whole height of the building.
‘Ellie says they’re working on a big permanent First Nations exhibit for the whole of downstairs.’ He offered ‘It’s going to take a while though.’
’That’s good.’ Nick agreed. He felt like he was still catching up on the real history of his second home.
‘So this.’ Ben gestured is why we’re here.’ He led them to the larger of the galleries upstairs.
He’d spent a lot of time in this museum over the years, it was usually quiet, and a safe place to escape on campus for some brain space when needed. Nick beamed as he led him into the exhibit which showed he hadn’t known what it was before they came.
‘Mario Merola!’ Nick immediately exclaimed at the painting in front of him.
Ben nodded. It was obscure, as only Nick could be. Nick glanced around and his eye widened as he got it.
‘It’s all Metro artists.’ He beamed.
Ben nodded again. Nick was fascinated by Montreal’s attitude to public art- that new buildings had to have public artworks in them, but also the fact that the Metro was essentially one huge public art display. Each station having at least one, often multiple large public art pieces specially commissioned for them, but artists both established and up and coming. Some had been up and coming at the time and gone on to great things, others quiet steady careers. Merola was one of those, barely known outside Quebec. But Nick loved the giant orange abstract that was built into the wall of Sherbrooke, the station nearest his apartment.
‘They’re amazing.’ Nick beamed. Heading to the pair of Merola’s ‘August’ and ‘September’ two abstract mixes in rainbow colours, all swirls and deep lines in seemingly floating patterns. Nick stepped in close, then moved away, taking it in. He turned to Ben and beamed. ‘It’s nothing like his subway piece!’ he was utterly gleeful. ‘Pierre Gaboriau!’ He said gesturing to the glasswork in the centre of the room. ‘You know he changed his name to distinguish himself from his father, who was a painter too.’
Ben did know, because Nick told him, more than once when they passed through Berri-UQAM station, but he smiled and nodded.
‘It’s gorgeous.’ Ben admired the deep purples of the glasswork but Nick was off again.
‘Guy Montpetit!’ He exclaimed gesturing to the far wall which to Ben had the look of an old-fashioned wooden toy. ‘It’s called the Flying Man. It belongs to the Tate, at least one of them does- we saw it once when I was a kid.’ He stopped short. Wave of memory washing over him from that day. ‘Wow.’ He said softly.
‘What?’ Ben said coming up alongside him. He was no art expert but he thought Monpetit, who he had at least heard of outside of Nick’s excited rambles, was someone who created happy fun art. Nick’s face seemed to say otherwise.
‘Nothing.’ He smiled ‘Just thinking.’ He glanced at Ben ‘This is amazing honestly. Brilliant really. It’s like…’
‘They made an exhibition just for your nerdy interests?’ Ben teased.
Nick grinned and nodded.
‘I just love it! The way the Metro is art, the way the city consciously chose to integrate it and the way we walk past it every day and don’t even appreciate it. Or we roll our eyes at the tourists taking pictures of the train station. Well I don’t because I want to say ‘how brilliant is this?!’ To them every time. But you know?’ He walked over to another, a collage of wood and plaster on a canvas. ‘It sorta defeats the purpose putting it in a museum but not you know? It’s like people who say zoos are bad, but actually if we put animals in zoos it helps preserve them, and educate people about them. Maybe people will see these here and then go looking for them, appreciate these artists in the wild. Or maybe the other way around, they’ll see the art on the Metro, hear there’s more here, and come and see it. That feels right doesn’t it? People discovering it on their own terms, not someone lecturing them on it. Not me telling you what this one means, or why you should think it’s important, just because it’s famous. I mean take Merola. I wouldn’t know who he was except I walk past his work every single day, and I really love it. And maybe it means nothing to anyone else, but that giant orange circle? It’s both art and home you know? I’ll never be able to separate the two in my life, and that feels how it should be…it should mean something you know?’ He stopped and bit his lip ‘Sorry. Rambling.’
Ben shook his head and stepped towards him. ‘Never apologise for talking about what you love.’
‘No but Ben I…’
‘Nicholas Baker.’ Ben folded his arms ‘Never apologise for your enthusiasm for things you love. It’s one of the greatest things about you.’
Nick blushed scarlet at that. Usually he had to hide his enthusiasm from everyone except his parents. People didn’t really care usually. He could get away with hockey enthusiasm because sports knowledge was both ‘allowed’ but also let him pass as somewhat normal in those circles. He’d hope in being relatively nerdy he’d find other nerds at college and he did to a degree, but still his passions seemed to be too passionate for some, too diverse for others. He couldn’t love hockey and musicals, and cake making, and painting, and very specific horror films and romance novels and…
‘Nick.’ Ben nudged him. He’d zoned out a bit. ‘I said which one is your favourite.’
That was easy.
‘This one.’ He smiled, pointing at ‘September’ again. ‘It’s the chaotic rainbows.’
Ben laughed ‘I strongly identify with a chaotic rainbow.’ He looped himself over Nick’s shoulders, looking at the painting, he could sense Nick smiling.
‘I like ‘August’…it’s the same but different.’ Nick shifted and looked at him Ben smiled and kissed his cheek ‘I like that.’ He added.
Ben grinned ‘I like that too.’
They did another lap of the exhibit, Nick standing quietly in front of the different works taking them in, sometimes moving closer to examine parts of them or stepping back to see the full thing. Ben watched him loving watching his enjoyment of it, he hadn’t thought but should have guessed that Nick would be thoughtful, analytical in a gallery, much like he did everything. But he liked that he could see, every so slightly the emotion shifting on his face from piece to piece. He stopped looking at the art and started watching Nick instead. Until he turned and caught him.
‘What? Sorry should we go?’ Nick was flustered.
‘No no. We’re fine.’ Ben blushed ‘I was uh just watching you enjoy it…’ he shrugged ‘you look happy?’ It came out as a question.
Nick smiled and stepped towards him reaching up and kissing him.
‘Very.’ He said ‘This is…Ben this is full romcom!’ He laughed, but then looked serious ‘Thank you.’
‘You’re welcome.’ He grinned ‘There’s another gallery up here. Ellie said it’s a bit of a mish-mash right now but while we’re here…’ he shrugged. Nick nodded enthusiastically and held out a hand. Ben took it, warmed by Nick’s growing confidence- or maybe even comfort- with that.
They walked around the corner to the smaller gallery which was indeed a bit of a mish- mash of things right now. There was no real ‘exhibition’ just a curated selection of pieces the museum owned. They walked around looking at photography of old Montreal which was next to old oil paintings of rich dead white men. They skipped those and looked at the Indigenous art.
‘Lawrence Paul Yuxweluptun!’ Ben exclaimed taking in the brightly coloured surrealist piece, figures with bird-like heads with a mix of objects in their hands. ‘He says he uses surrealism as part of truth-telling and healing.’ He bounced to the next one ‘Daphne Odjig- now she moved from super realistic stuff when she was younger to more expressionistic stuff, but this is from her 1970s stuff, Manitoulin legends- you know mythology and stuff like that, but also look how intense the colours are! But it’s like she really fused her traditions, from her people with European styles so it’s like…reclaiming things.’ He turned to the next on ‘Oh Alex Janvier! So his is more abstract his own sort of language…he’s part of the Indian Group of Seven- they came up with that name it’s not offensive. But the reds in this one they’re so vivid. Also you know he signed them with Treaty numbers- do you know about Treaty numbers sorry I forget you don’t know this stuff and, uh sorry.’ He saw Nick was staring at him.
‘Benjamin Adler never apologise for things you love.’ Nick grinned at him, then looked at the paintings ‘Didn’t know you knew so much about Indigenous art.’
Ben shrugged ‘I went on a field trip to Ottawa they had a big exhibition. I bought a book.’ He shrugged, then look down ‘Dunno guess I got super interested.’
He felt Nick take his hand.
‘Well carry on then.’
They worked through the rest of the indigenous art which was more traditional style paintings- Ben excitedly told Nick about history of storytelling through paintings, and promised to take him to a variety of places and lend him several books he could learn about this stuff from. Nick grinned, he loved how similar they were this way- each finding passions in things to deep dive into, unrelated to the rest of their lives or what they ‘should’ be interested in. He sensed Ben too rarely got to share this. Sure enough he said;
‘Sorry I know no sorry, but Mom and Dad are usually the only ones who listen to this stuff. So.’ He shrugged.
‘Well now someone else will.’ Nick said shyly. Ben kissed his cheek and he blushed a bit. Then the next painting caught his eye. ‘Oh!’ He said stopping short at a painting.
‘You know it?’ Ben asked.
Nick shook his head, and stepped closer. It was an expressionist piece, a mix of whites, blues and greens with splashes of reddish orange. He stepped closer again examining the brushtrokes and layers of colour and smiled to himself.
‘Marcelle Ferron.’ He mumbled. ‘Look at the layers.’ He said pointing them to Ben, ‘And how up close you can see where the brush has been…its both full of energy and calm at once.’
‘Expressionist right?’ Ben asked unsure ‘Like the one in your apartment.’
For the second time Nick was pulled up short by a wave of memories. The painting he had in the corner of the bedroom bit of his apartment. A wave of greens and blues not dissimilar to this one actually. He managed to nod.
Something on Nick’s face changed when he mentioned the painting, so Ben steered him to the bench in the middle of the gallery, still facing the painting. He learned Nick sometimes needed a moment to figure out how to say something. So he filled in.
‘I read about Jackson Pollock once, that his work you can read like a musical score…but a visual one. That what he did was like composing- balancing the colours like you’d balance notes in a piece of music. I like that. It makes sense to me. I’m pretty dense about art but I get that you know?’
Nick nodded. ‘You can hide stuff in paintings too- under the layers. So you might put something on there first then deliberately paint over it. Put all your secrets there or something.’ He paused ‘You get to show everyone your secrets and not.’ He glanced over ‘I used to make up stories about what they’d hidden…like secret lives of artists or something.’ He laughed. ‘I had all these artist lives in my head I’d made up.’
Ben grinned at him, his face lighting up. ‘I made up stories about hockey players-like when I was too little to really know about them, or pre-internet whatever…I just made up stories about them when we’d watch hockey like a little movie in my head!’
Nick laughed, he’d never told anyone that and yet, Ben had something similar.
‘Why are we like this.’ He joked and rested his head on Ben’s shoulder a simple gesture but one he realised he did when he felt safe but also vulnerable. Staring at the painting again. They sat in the quiet for a minute or so, Ben reached over and took his hand. He’d been so caught up in the excitement but also the joy, he hadn’t caught the creeping of something else that came with it. Nick decided to explain. He sat up.
‘The painting in my flat?’ Ben nodded ‘My Uncle David painted it. He painted like this, abstracts, acrylics mainly, as well as sculpture. That’s who painted the one in my flat. There’s another that goes with it in my parents house, another two actually…they’re sort of a set.’ A set of three, one pink and white, his yellow and green and a deeper purple one. There were more in storage in the attic too.
‘That’s nice.’ Ben said looking confused.
‘Anyway I used to paint with him as a kid- I have zero skill by the way- but he taught me even when I was little to enjoy art…I guess it stuck.’ He got up and walked to the painting again. ‘He died. When I was eleven.’ He said to the painting. He didn’t talk about Uncle David. He wasn’t sure why. Some deep seated fear people would judge.
‘I’m sorry.’ Ben said ‘I’d assumed your mom didn’t have an siblings. You only mentioned Uncle Phillip here.’
He assumed, if Nick spent a lot of time with him he must be on that side.
‘I guess he wasn’t really my Uncle.’ Nick shrugged. ‘Technically. Dad’s best friend. Is that weird? Do people do that here? Call people ‘Uncle’ even if they’re not?’
‘I think so.’ Ben said going to him. ‘That’s rough.’
Nick glanced up, hesitated again.
‘He had AIDS. That’s how. He was ill for a while, we looked after him. We sort of kept it a secret. At school or whatever. In case people were weird. Its not fair, that we had to do that.’ He felt a familiar lump in his throat, he tried not to think about David then, or the way his parents were so sad after. The way he missed him.
Ben felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. And suddenly he was crying.
‘Oh Ben hey, sorry, it’s sad I know.’ Nick came to him and pulled him into a hug.
Ben laugh-cried into his hair. Ridiculous how Nick was telling a sad story and now he was the one getting comforted. Still, if he was going to do this, now was the time.
‘Nick can we talk a sec?’ He asked.
‘Ok?’ Nick frowned but detangled himself so he could look at Ben, who was biting his lip and looking down.
‘I’m just gonna say it. Then you can ask questions.’ It was how his therapist taught him to do it. Clear honesty they answer questions. He looked up now and Nick nodded. He took a breath. ‘I have HIV. I’m sorry for not telling you yet. And if we’d looked like we’d do anything but kiss I was going to tell you. I was going to use tonight to tell you I just didn’t think…well, and I get if it’s too much- this was part of the speech anyway, I get if it was too much anyway, but with Uncle David and all I-‘
‘Ben. Ben.’ Nick waved a hand at him. ‘It’s fine. It’s ok. It doesn’t change anything.’
‘You’re sure?’ He let out a breath.
‘You’re healthy?’
Ben nodded.
‘That’s all that matters.’
Ben let out a breath.
‘I can’t pass it on. But we can still be as careful as you like. But it’s safe. I’m safe. Nothing we’ve done is dangerous.’
‘I know.’ Nick smiled. ‘With your medication you’re undetectable right?’ Ben nodded. ‘So anything we do is safe as long as your medication works, and you get what six monthly check ups?’ Ben nodded again ‘Then there’s no issue. Thank you for telling me.’
Ben wiped at his face, tears of relief running down there now. It had been a long time since anyone had reacted like that. Usually it was begrudging acceptance with several caveats or inappropriate questions.
‘How do you know all that?’ He sniffed.
‘Uncle David. Sorta inspired me to educate myself, in secret at first. But actually Dad and I did a few fundraisers, did some runs or whatever for charities…’ he shrugged.
‘You just keep surprising me.’ Ben grinned.
Nick leaned over and kissed him, lightly at first, then pulled him closer, deepening it, passionately kissing him for a minute or more. Ben got it, and smiled, Nick was letting him know it was all ok. He was ok with this. Ben pulled back and smiled at him.
‘Thank you.’ He said softly ‘you’re the first real…you know, since I got it and…’
‘I get it.’ Nick said.
‘Thanks for telling me about your Uncle David too.’ Ben said softly.
Nick nodded, then realised something. ‘Oh! Can I take photos in here?’
Ben nodded ‘Yeah it’s fine.’
‘Can I…?’
Ben nodded again. Nick raced around taking pictures of the things he loved- disappearing back into the other room, then coming back in again.
‘For Dad.’ He offered. ‘Art reminds him…in a good way.’
Ben nodded and let him carry on, enjoying watching him. He checked his phone.
How did the surprise go over kid? Bet he loved it. Text if you want me to pick you up there’s a match on tonight might be crowded. Dad.
He never knew how to feel about his dad knowing how he was with crowds but still protecting him, even if he was too old to be relying on that. Still it was nice. He tapped out a reply.
I can take the bus its fine. I’ll be fine. (He loved it) B
‘Now whose writing mystery notes?’ Nick asked.
‘My dad.’ Ben laughed ‘You made it weird.’
Nick laughed. ‘Tell him I said hi.’ They’d never met but he felt like he knew Ben’s dad already ‘Dinner?’ He held out a hand. ‘Indian food. About ten minutes from here. Now this is very important to my people.’
‘Your people?’
‘Benjamin, you have to understand just how important an Indian is to British people. Putting aside the dark colonial past for a second.’
‘Of course.’
‘We have very strong opinions on the matter. And we will judge you on your choice of curry.’
‘Oh so like it’s ok if I have HIV but if I order a Korma you’ll never speak to me again?’
‘Exactly.’
Ben laughed and Nick jerked his head.
‘Wait!’ Ben declared. Nick frowned. ‘Send the pictures to your dad, like now. I’ll wait.’
Nick smiled softly, that Ben knew he wanted to do that, was going to send them later. He nodded. Sat on the bench and fussed with his phone. Decided on email, because the pictures were big.
‘Wait.’ He declared, ‘We need one more picture.’ He maundered himself in front of Ben and both of them in front of the purples-blue painting and snapped a picture of him and Ben too.
Hey Dad,
I just saw this new art exhibition on campus. Reminded me a lot of Uncle David. Thought you’d like to see. I told Ben about him, hope that’s ok. Turns out Ben has HIV…don’t know why but that seems like…all a sign from David? Am I being silly? Anyway thought you’d like these paintings. I’ll bring you here when you visit for the conference, maybe Ben will come too. I’d like you to meet him too.
Nick x
He showed Ben, hoping it was all ok.
‘You’d want me to meet them?’ He asked.
Nick nodded.
‘I would. If you would.’
Ben nodded. Then groaned.
‘You’re going to have to meet my family. They will want to adopt you. There’s no escape.’
Nick hit send and shrugged.
‘Kinda like the thought of being adopted by your family.’
‘Hold off until you meet the Chaos Hockey Twins.’
Nick laughed and followed him towards the door. Nick stopped in the doorway and leaned up and kissed him. Softly, then passionately. He pulled back and was going to say something but Ben just nodded and he knew he knew. He smiled slowly at him and then led him out.
Ben,
Ok I promise to say this in person later, but I think I need to write it down first. That feels right for us don’t you think? For me anyway who is far better on paper.
I love you.
I love you Benjamin Adler and I thought you should know that.
I know we haven’t been a ‘thing’ that long but we were friends first and that time counts. I think I was already sort of there before we even kissed. But now, I know it’s only been two weeks but I love you. So there.
Nick x
Nick,
I love you too.
You know I’ve never said that to anyone, I know you haven’t either. I love you.
I love you like every ridiculous musical theatre song (only if I can be the diva with the 11 O’clock number obviously). But Nick I feel safe loving you. Because you were my friend first.
I did work out that it’s been 95 weeks and two days since we first met. So I think that time counts too right? And two weeks, one day and about 6.5 hours since we kiss. So I figure all that is long enough.
Ben